Lonely and In Love: Making Time For Myself

As millennials we transition a lot; we change cities, countries, jobs, and partners rather frequently. As we transition from academic environments into the "real world", communities of friends can be harder to find and build because its not just there for you like it is on a college campus, and thus life can get a little lonely. Even those of us who move back home after college come to realize that our childhood friends have also transitioned and the feeling of having to start all over again sets in.

Though our friends tend to spread out all over the world post-college and become consumed by careers, loneliness isn't something that is unique to our generation alone. People in their late 30s and 40s who have yet to find a partner may deal with it. People in their 50s who divorce after their children graduate from high school may deal with it. And people in their 60s and beyond who start losing friends to death may face it as well. And then there are people of all ages who look like they have all of the friends in the world from the outside, but are lonely on the inside.

So how do we deal with loneliness? In most cases my answer would be to build community, but there are times when loneliness has its place. We have a choice to either embrace it or push against it. When we push against it, we tend to invite unhealthy relationships into our lives and pursue social activities that aren't truly fulfilling just so we don't feel lonely. When we learn to embrace it, we have a unique opportunity to find peace and quiet, and time to self-reflect. In fact, many of us avoid loneliness by immersing ourselves in someone or something else so that we don't have to look at ourselves.

If you think about it, there are few chances in our lives to be alone. Instead of using that time to think how wonderful it may be to not be alone, an alternative course of thought would be to explore what's possible alone that isn't (as) possible when others (spouse, children, roommates, parents, etc) are around. Some of the most healing activities are one-player games (ie journaling, reading, meditating, painting, gardening, yoga).

When we breath we exhale and inhale. It's a cycle; Both are essential processes for our existence. In the same way, there will be times for us to exhale (or go without) and inhale (or go within) in our personal growth and development. Even those in a choir must sing solo sometimes to hone their own voice just as we must tune ourselves into the small voice within us. We must embrace change rather than try to change change. And the phases of loneliness that help us discover our only-ness are a type of change that we must cherish in order to excel when we are in community.