Lately I've started to realize how little control I have over certain occurrences in the world while at the same time trying to preserve my identity as a change agent. It has been a struggle. What do we have control over and what don't we? This is an important question because I don't want to waste my time trying to change things I don't have control over. The areas where this insight has shined the brightest for me are my career and my relationships.

In business I used to think that the CEO "controlled" everything...the people, the decisions, the vision, the success or failure of the company. Over the past two years as CEO of Mylinia.com, I've realized that the CEO's job is supposed to be to relinquish all control to the employees and customers to make decisions that affect the company's vision and overall success. Even with that said, they are still market forces (ie bad economy) and global forces (ie natural disasters) that aren't in a CEO's control but could negatively or positively impact the company.

In romantic relationships and friendships I've realized that people are united or meet because of a force outside of themselves. I never said that I wanted Angelo to be my best friend, but I'm thankful for the force that brought us together at Bishop O'Dowd and has sustained us for over a decade now. In romantic relationships, we call the force that brings two people together love, but we should be aware that that same force has the power to take them apart when it wants to. Instead of trying to explain everything, beat oneself up or blame the other person, sometimes we have to rest in not knowing 'why' and trust that that force knows what is best for us at that moment.

I think we're taught to have an explanation for everything as if we're all knowing, but there are invisible forces in the world that transcend cause and effect. We're also taught to take credit for everything that we accomplish, but I'm starting to see accomplishments as things that Spirit does through me as me instead of things that happened because of me. Why Spirit has chosen to do certain things on this Earth...I don't know. I don't control that =)

Prayer for Friendship

Give me the wisdom to tell
between a friend and an acquaintance
Acquaintances come for the ride
but friends help with my maintenance
They don't deceive me when the see me
diverge from my dreams
They keep it real and they treat me
like I'm a divine being

Give me the courage
to nourish those I love
with words and with wisdom
and sometimes a little nudge
May I also be honest
being sure not to judge
For true friends keep a balance
between the tugs and the hugs

Ashe. Amen. And so it is.

How Many Fake-Book Friends Do You Have?

This evening I asked a woman that I met briefly at a mutual friend's birthday party to stop smoking because I cared about her health.

It was an awkward moment.

There were four of us on a stoop in Brooklyn; a non-smoker who went down with her 5 minutes prior and then a former-smoker who knew her a lot better than me that I just met as well. The former smoker and I were talking about true friendship, not Fake-Book friends, when we made the decision to go downstairs and redefine friendship by being blatantly and lovingly honest with the smoker.

I wonder how many smokers (drinkers, cheaters, amblers, liars, etc) wished someone would walk up to them and say "I want you to stop because I love you". How many lives could have been saved if one real friend just spoke their mind and stood up for and to their friend in pain?

As "friends", we have to stop lying to each other. It's funny and almost two-faced how we can comfort our friends with positive energy when they do something that brings them closer to their dreams (ie graduate, win an award, get married) but how we refrain from making them uncomfortable when they do something we know isn't in their best interest.

Aren't there healthy ways to hold our friends accountable to their highest self and be honest without negative energy flowing? If we can't be honest with our friends, then who can we be honest with?

I recognize that I have room for growth too. I told the smoker that "My intention is not to judge" but that as we develop an authentic friendship, my honesty and love frees her to be honest with me about things that I'm doing that are unhealthy to myself and our community. You'll be amazed at how much (typically defensive) feedback you get if you have the courage to give it out first.

Oftentimes, we do external things like smoke to try to heal or cover up some internal aspect of our life that needs healing. We all need healing in different ways and true friends should be there to look beyond the smoke and support each other in the weed-plucking process. True friends are committed to digging up the roots and confronting their friend about the source and not just the symptoms.

At the very least, I know that the smoker left thinking about these questions:

• What is friendship and who are my true friends?
• Why did a complete stranger who has nothing to gain from me not smoking challenge me not to?
• Who the hell does he think he is?
• Why do I smoke...really?

• What is friendship to me?
• Who cares enough about me to fight for me when I'm fighting against myself?
  
• Who do I care about enough to tell the truth when their actions and goals aren't aligned?
  
• What unhealthy habits have become part of my life? What is the root of problem?

As I prepared for my move from California to New York, I had to find a moving company to ship all of my stuff. I’ve never lived outside of California before; the furthest I’ve ever had to move was from Oakland to Los Angeles. U-Haul did the trick. This time it was a little different; there was no way I was going to drive a U-Haul 3,000 miles across the country.

I began by searching for “cross country movers” on Google. Google gave me 8,440,000 results, but I only explored the top 5 links and some of the sponsored links. I gathered quotes from about 5 companies to compare prices and they all came out to a little over $2,000. I finally picked one and placed my order. Afterwards, I called a friend and while explaining how I spent all morning looking for a moving company, she asked me if I considered FedEx. I hadn’t. In the past 4 years, she made two coast-to-coast moves and had experience in this area. I immediately got a quote from FedEx and it came out to less that $1,000 for door-to-door shipping.

Our friends have many of the answers we need and are oftentimes more efficient and accurate than search engines. In this case, my friend saved me over $1,000 (I had to pay a $150 cancellation fee). Oftentimes, we don’t leverage the wisdom and experience of our friends because we are afraid to ask for help. Search engines are good for finding facts and information, but we all have questions and curiosities that Google can’t index and web pages can’t answer. Yahoo Answers and Google Answers have tried to crack this case by tapping into the wisdom of crowds, but solutions aren’t universal and no one knows your world like your friends. Next time you consider searching for a solution online, consider using your friends first and search engines second.

Many of our friendship aren't as strong as they could be. If they were, there wouldn't always need to be a need to "networking" to find more friends. I would challenge that collectively, our friends can meet most of our needs if we just asked. Imagine how harmonious life could be if your friends knew your goals, needs, and desired destination. Do your closest friends know where you want to go, where you currently are, and how they can support you to get there? For many of us, the answer is no. This is the taxation on friendship.

In economics there is a term called Dead Weight Loss when supply does not equal demand due to a tax or subsidy. We all have demands/needs in life and many of our friends are willing to supply those needs, but the only way that they can effectively support us is if we clearly communicate our needs to them.

At Mylinia.com, we create the space for you and your friends to exchange goods (support, encouragement, inspiration, questions, and advice) and thus create a market for sharing life lessons with friends. How much better could you support your friends if you knew...
...what they loved doing
...what their life vision was
...what their current needs were?

Better yet, how much better could you friends support you?

Live purposefully!

Have you every considered writing a eulogy on your friend’s facebook wall? Eulogies are often associated with the end of life, but the actual Greek etymology of the word shows that it actually means “Good Word”:

eu-
Greek = good, well, normal; happy, pleasing
Examples: euphemism, euphoria, eugenics

-logy
Greek = talk, speech, speak; word
Examples: biology, psychology, etc

Why wait until our friends are no longer with us to affirm them, uplift them, and build them up by telling them how much they inspire us, how special they are, and how good they make us feel?

Don’t wait until graduation. Eulogize (affirm, appreciate, thank) while they are in front of you in the present moment.

Live purposefully!

Inspired by: Pastor Robert Graham