I strongly believe in self-love, but many believe that it is narcissistic. Narcissism is defined as:

As many of you already know, I've never drank alcohol. Some people very close to me have been affected by alcoholism and I see some of my friends exhibiting alcoholic patterns. Not good. Anyway, I've seen how Alcoholics Anonymous has helped some people dear to me recover and I believe that it is the best form of personal development to date. I can't think of another space where people of all different cultures, ages, and classes come together regularly to help each other achieve their goals.

Last week I attended my first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. I don't think you have to be a drinker to be an alcoholic in the same way that a person who has cancer but doesn't know that they have cancer is still a cancer victim. Since it's an anonymous space, I won't say much expect that the combination of community, storytelling, and celebration is amazing.

One of my goals in life is to end the NEED for AA (not AA itself) for our generation by creating healthy spaces for millennials to find community, share their stories, celebrate life. Every month I host potlucks at my house and that's exactly what we do. It's so simple. I don't get why "happy hours" get celebrated but Alcoholics Anonymous get stigmatized when it's spaces like happy hour that lead people to AA. Happy hour doesn't live up to its name.

I also wanted to share that I found a non-alcoholic wine made by J. Lohrs called ARIEL. What's crazy is that Steve Lohrs, one of the owners, lived next door to me when I was in Palo Alto and we shared a bottle over dinner. As you can see from the label above, it "contains less than one half of one percent alcohol by volume" so I guess I can't say that I've never drank any more.

NOTE: Not all of the ways listed below are healthy ways to self-medicate and any way over-used may become unhealthy. Hopefully this list provides some alter-natives to what you're accustomed to doing. Feel free to contributing by commenting below.

Alone
pray for self
meditate
create a list of what you're thankful for

Through others
ask for prayer
talk with others
hugs
ask for forgiveness

Art
journal
draw
paint
write poetry
blog
make music

Physical
exercise
dance
play sports
bike
punch something
yoga

Nature
garden
hike
track animals
camp

At others
put someone else down
gossip
complain
blame
forgive them

Escape
entertainment
gambling
travel
work harder

Consumption
drink alcohol
shop/spend money
over-eat
do drugs
fast (non-consumption)
listen to music

Other
laugh
visit nature
take a day off
cook
clean
sleep

Spring Cleaning Within 2008

Spring is here and it's time to clean up. Throw out the old; bring in the new. I'm opening my internal closets and shining light in dark corners within.

As of today, I'm trying to stop projecting perfection on the external side of my body or temple when my real estate within is not entirely clean. It's inauthentic to those who "think" they know me and hurtful to myself - the one who has to "act" self-righteous all the time. This post has been inspired in part by Lauryn Hill's journey over the past few years. Most people want the old 1998 Mis-Education Lauryn Hill back, but she has transcended that and moved on, yet many of her fans (including myself) have trapped her in an old box. As Nikki Giovanni once said "Even my flaws are correct".

Oftentimes...

1. I don't listen well because I can be arrogant and think I know it all
   
2. I'm shy because I'm afraid of letting people too close
   
3. I'm quiet to a point of being pseudo-passive because I'm afraid of my own light
   
4. I plan too much instead of being fully present in the moment
5. I cut people off in the moments when I need to embrace them or need them to embrace me
   
6. I project perfection because I thought perfection was more inspirational then authenticity
7. I try to control life because I'm a success-aholic and lack faith
8. I don't trust people because I still haven't truly forgiven my mother
9. I'm selfish and shut down when I don't get my way
10. I'm self-righteous and act like I know what I'm doing when I don't

Dear Ladies, This Is Why I'm Hot

Dear Ladies,

On behalf of my brothers and myself, I want to apologize if we've ever burned you. See...our Father is the Sun, so we're the sons of the Sun, but many of us are just starting to see the light now. When our soul-ar energy kisses your ear-th, the creation process ignites. One little candle has the potential to blaze an entire forest. When I first discovered this power within the palms of my hands, I was so excited that I ran around lighting everything on fire. Because of my immaturity, things got out of control. Little flames grew into massive wild fires. Fortunately, the all-knowing Creator blessed you with two elements of nature, earth and water, the substance needed to extinguish my mistakes and heal yourself when necessary. The way we burned women, you would think we were arsonists.

Finally, a few of us decided to go to our Father to find out how to use our power correctly. Our Father had some Good News. Of the 5 elements of nature (earth, air, fire, water, space), fire is the only one that man has the power to create and with that comes great responsibility. There are two types of fires, uncontrolled (characterized by our youthfulness) and controlled (characterized by maturity and self-discipline). We discovered that controlled burning stimulates the germination of some desirable forest trees and ultimately renew forests. Thus, our fire has the power to spark growth in you in areas you didn't believe you could grow. And as both earth and water, you have the power to fuel our fire and stop it. What balance!

We were told that fire has 3 primary purposes in relationships:

1. To light the relationship: Our Father, the Sun, is responsible for lighting the relationship in its brightest hours and its darkest hours. His light is always shining, making sure to focus on one part of the relationship at time, but also remembering to light all of Mother Earth. When the relationship isn't looking bright, we were told to rely the other stars in our Universe and reflect our light indirectly if you aren't open to receiving it directly at the time.

2. To weld/shape the relationship: The direction of the Sun determines the length of the day. The length of the day in turn affects how people in certain regions interact with one another on a daily basis. In the same way, the amount of energy we put into the relationship will shape the direction it goes and how long it last.

3. To warm the relationship: At every moment, He gives 174 petawatts of solar radiation to Mother Earth, regardless if She is reflecting it back or absorbing it. We were told, to do our best to provide consistent unconditional love and energy, even during the coldest times of the relationship. Our Father, the Sun, never stops loving our Mother Earth no matter how cold it is. Even when He needs to get away for the Winter, He puts energy into the relationship to ensure that it endures trying seasons.

Again, sorry for any 3rd degree burns we may have causes. In the future, if we ever get heated, please remind us of the 3 purposes of fire.

Sincerely,

Your "Blazing" Brothers

How Many Fake-Book Friends Do You Have?

This evening I asked a woman that I met briefly at a mutual friend's birthday party to stop smoking because I cared about her health.

It was an awkward moment.

There were four of us on a stoop in Brooklyn; a non-smoker who went down with her 5 minutes prior and then a former-smoker who knew her a lot better than me that I just met as well. The former smoker and I were talking about true friendship, not Fake-Book friends, when we made the decision to go downstairs and redefine friendship by being blatantly and lovingly honest with the smoker.

I wonder how many smokers (drinkers, cheaters, amblers, liars, etc) wished someone would walk up to them and say "I want you to stop because I love you". How many lives could have been saved if one real friend just spoke their mind and stood up for and to their friend in pain?

As "friends", we have to stop lying to each other. It's funny and almost two-faced how we can comfort our friends with positive energy when they do something that brings them closer to their dreams (ie graduate, win an award, get married) but how we refrain from making them uncomfortable when they do something we know isn't in their best interest.

Aren't there healthy ways to hold our friends accountable to their highest self and be honest without negative energy flowing? If we can't be honest with our friends, then who can we be honest with?

I recognize that I have room for growth too. I told the smoker that "My intention is not to judge" but that as we develop an authentic friendship, my honesty and love frees her to be honest with me about things that I'm doing that are unhealthy to myself and our community. You'll be amazed at how much (typically defensive) feedback you get if you have the courage to give it out first.

Oftentimes, we do external things like smoke to try to heal or cover up some internal aspect of our life that needs healing. We all need healing in different ways and true friends should be there to look beyond the smoke and support each other in the weed-plucking process. True friends are committed to digging up the roots and confronting their friend about the source and not just the symptoms.

At the very least, I know that the smoker left thinking about these questions:

• What is friendship and who are my true friends?
• Why did a complete stranger who has nothing to gain from me not smoking challenge me not to?
• Who the hell does he think he is?
• Why do I smoke...really?

• What is friendship to me?
• Who cares enough about me to fight for me when I'm fighting against myself?
  
• Who do I care about enough to tell the truth when their actions and goals aren't aligned?
  
• What unhealthy habits have become part of my life? What is the root of problem?

Prayer for Self

How can I pray for the poor
and still ask for more?
How can I pray for the hungry
and feel hunger at my core?
How can I pray for the world
when my world is in a swirl?
How can I pray for change
when I remain the same?

When I pray for other's health
may I pray for myself
Selfish is only selfish
when I limit my view of self
We all must be whole
if anyone's to reach their goal
we've been separated by birth
but we're all connected at the soul

Ashe. Amen. And so it is.

Lonely and In Love: Making Time For Myself

As millennials we transition a lot; we change cities, countries, jobs, and partners rather frequently. As we transition from academic environments into the "real world", communities of friends can be harder to find and build because its not just there for you like it is on a college campus, and thus life can get a little lonely. Even those of us who move back home after college come to realize that our childhood friends have also transitioned and the feeling of having to start all over again sets in.

Though our friends tend to spread out all over the world post-college and become consumed by careers, loneliness isn't something that is unique to our generation alone. People in their late 30s and 40s who have yet to find a partner may deal with it. People in their 50s who divorce after their children graduate from high school may deal with it. And people in their 60s and beyond who start losing friends to death may face it as well. And then there are people of all ages who look like they have all of the friends in the world from the outside, but are lonely on the inside.

So how do we deal with loneliness? In most cases my answer would be to build community, but there are times when loneliness has its place. We have a choice to either embrace it or push against it. When we push against it, we tend to invite unhealthy relationships into our lives and pursue social activities that aren't truly fulfilling just so we don't feel lonely. When we learn to embrace it, we have a unique opportunity to find peace and quiet, and time to self-reflect. In fact, many of us avoid loneliness by immersing ourselves in someone or something else so that we don't have to look at ourselves.

If you think about it, there are few chances in our lives to be alone. Instead of using that time to think how wonderful it may be to not be alone, an alternative course of thought would be to explore what's possible alone that isn't (as) possible when others (spouse, children, roommates, parents, etc) are around. Some of the most healing activities are one-player games (ie journaling, reading, meditating, painting, gardening, yoga).

When we breath we exhale and inhale. It's a cycle; Both are essential processes for our existence. In the same way, there will be times for us to exhale (or go without) and inhale (or go within) in our personal growth and development. Even those in a choir must sing solo sometimes to hone their own voice just as we must tune ourselves into the small voice within us. We must embrace change rather than try to change change. And the phases of loneliness that help us discover our only-ness are a type of change that we must cherish in order to excel when we are in community.

Mother Earth Doesn't Wear Makeup

While riding the train today, I saw a woman spend the entire 20 minute ride "painting" her face. She literally looked like a different person from the time I got on the train to the time I got off....actually a lot less appealing (...to me at least). I know that we all have our own ways to make-up stories about who we are (ie types of clothes, cars, friends, house, etc), but cosmetics (and plastic surgery) perplex me the most. I'm sure I'm not the first guy to say this, but I prefer women who don't wear it.

According to Wikipedia, worldwide cosmetic sales were expected to reach $18B in 2007 in comparison the to the self-improvement market which only totaled $8.5B in 2003. On a global perspective, it is no coincidence that Mother Earth is in the state that she is in. Women are a reflection of Mother Earth. They are the life-giving force of the world, fertilized by the rays of the Father Sun. A woman's true foundation is not made by Mac or L'Oreal; it is made by God. Nothing accents a woman's eyes, lips, or dimples like the aura created by the spirit within her. Until men and women alike learn to appreciate Mother Earth for her natural beauty, she will continue to bathe herself in hurricanes, tsunamis, and earthquakes to open and cleanse her pores.

When I think of Mother Earth all I see is beauty. When Mother Earth has a crack in her skin, we call it a canyon. When she has a oozing pimple on her surface, we call it a volcano. When she has a tear running down her face, we call it a river. We travel to the Grand Canyon, Mississippi River, and other national parks because they are the most pure parts of Earth; They aren't painted with cement cities. In the same way one shouldn't have to travel miles upon miles to replace the unnatural cityscape with a beautiful landscape, one shouldn't have to peel back layers upon layers to see the true beauty of any woman walking on the face of Mother Earth. Like Mother Earth, woman are perfect and whole the way they are and should be acknowledged as the first wonder of the world.

Art: "Mother Earth" by Jenness Cortex Perlmutter

Prayer for Perfect Health

I pray for those getting ill
as the weather starts to chill
but most colds are mental
so don't depend on that pill
address the root cause
not the symptoms that you feel
before the Tylenol
there were healthy ways to heal

Your body is a temple
so clean it when you spill
cough drops and syrup
can't help you face what's real
dis-ease is oh so real
like weeds it grows and kills
mountains grow from hills
so make prayer a daily drill

Ashe. Amen. And so it is.

Splinters are nagging. They are so tiny yet they cause so much pain. The worst ones are the ones that get stuck under the skin. You can’t reach them without pulling back layers of skin, which is a painful process in and of itself. After a while, you forget about them, but they hurt whenever pressure is applied to a certain area around them.

We also have splinters in life. They are those negative moments that our memory can’t erase. Those sour memories forever shape the course of our lives until we fully heal from them. A couple of my personal splinters include:

1. When I was rejected by the first girl I asked to be my girlfriend in 5th grade. This single event shaped how I related to girls for the next ten years. I didn’t trust the women I liked and as a result ended up hurting them.

2. The time I got thrown out at home plate during the little league all stars semi-finals game to conclude the final inning. This moment made me a more cautious player in all sports, which ultimately hurt my baseball, basketball, and soccer performance.

3. And more…

Fortunately, I have many moments to be proud of like:
• Hitting .800 in the same baseball tournament mentioned above
• The castle I built in 7th grade
• Making the math Olympics team in 6th grade
• Earning the Math and Citizenship Awards at high school graduation
• Leading the 2003 UCLA High School Conference
• My UCLA African Grad speech in 2003
• And more…

Despite the successes that I remember and people remember me for, I must still dig out the many splinters that I have accumulated that are still shaping my decisions today. I don’t want to hurt anymore more women. I want to trust and love my mom, my future wife, and my female friends. I don’t want to look over my shoulder in the game of baseball, basketball, or life. I want to take educated risk; only risk yield large rewards.

What are your splinters and how are they affecting your today?

Live purposefully!

Inspired by Miguel